Brave Soul, Grief & Loss, Self-Compassion, Writing as Healing

10 Ways to Connect When You’re Feeling Isolated & Alone

I still remember standing outside visiting with people after church. I could feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin, but I couldn’t feel the compassion or understanding of those around me. It felt like an invisible curtain appeared right in front of my face as I talked with them — you couldn’t see it, but you could feel it. An invisible barrier laced with the belief that no one cared, that they couldn’t understand.

And to be honest, they probably didn’t.  I’d recently lost my dad, and even those who had experienced loss couldn’t express their sentiments in a way that I could feel. Somehow their genuine concern got lost in translation.

They had already made it to the other side, to a place where their grief was no longer felt at the same depth as mine. They were no longer standing in the very same hole that I felt I’d been plopped down into.

I wanted someone who could crawl down into that hole with me and keep me company while I was there.

And that’s what I’d love to do for you — crawl down into whatever exact, uniquely shaped, and sized hole you are in, and shine some light, share some love, and walk beside you or sit with you with compassion.

Compassion is my specialty. 

Just ask anyone who knows me, and it is often one of the first traits people will mention.

I care. Deeply. And it’s one of the things the people I’ve coached thank me for most.

And it’s also one of the things I’ve practiced most deeply in my life — learning to care for and be kind to myself.

Do you have that challenge too? 

My guess is, if you’re here reading these words, you might also be on a similar life path of learning to offer yourself the same kindness and grace that you so readily offer to others.

And I’d love to work with you.

I’d love to shine a light in all of the dark corners and lift them up with evergreen grace.

I’m here for you. All you have to do is decide you’d like to open your hand and welcome some fresh love in. 

Try it right now. Open your hands, palm up and feel the love that is here for you.

Now — let me know where your “hole” is located and I’ll be right over! With your favorite cup of tea and a beautiful strand of twinkle lights.

We’ll shine some twinkle lights in the darkness until you find the light and strength of your own. And we’ll do it, together. 

You don’t have to go through any of this alone. 

I’ve got you. And I care. 

And that’s a winning combination. 

Not that there’s anything to win. But the ability to feel better, even when the circumstances around you don’t change, is one of life’s greatest gifts. It’s something I’ve learned again and again in new and deeper ways, and continue to practice every day.

So if you feel curious about the idea of hanging some twinkle lights to bring a little light and ease to any challenges or losses in your life, I’d love to talk with you. 

Schedule a time on my calendar for a free 30 minute, Shine The Light On Your Life call where we can talk about your dark hole of a challenge or loss, and what some possible twinkle lights might look like in your life right now, even if it’s just one teeny tiny bulb to add a little glow.

Schedule here: https://calendly.com/coachingwithcaitlin

In the meantime…here are 10 ways to feel more connected when you’re feeling alone.

Feeling disconnected and unable to connect with the people around you, whether because of loss or illness, is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences I believe we can ever have. I also believe that it is an opportunity to get creative and find other ways to support yourself in feeling connected. 

I know from personal experience how hard it can be, and whether you’re in a tough place right now or not, I know these can help. They are my top 10 favorite ways to connect! Enjoy!

1. Take a 5 minute nature break.

Spend some time sitting or walking outside, or looking out the window. Just take some time to notice your breathing and look at what’s around you — notice the rocks, the leaves, any trees, or blades of grass. Even if you don’t FEEL anything, just keep noticing. Keep observing. And eventually you’ll start to feel more connected both to yourself and to your surroundings. 

(Bonus: Make note of how you’re feeling both before and after your 5 minute nature session to build evidence for yourself if it’s helpful and to watch how your experience changes over time.)

2. Write down how you feel.

Science shows (and I’ve learned from personal experience) that naming your feelings can help lessen the severity right away. And then writing them down is an even deeper way to acknowledge your feelings and offer yourself compassion and support. Take 1 minute and write down as many feeling words as you can that describe what you’re experiencing. 

(This can be a post it note, a note on your phone, the back of a letter or piece of mail, anything nearby will work.) 

They don’t have to be complete sentences either, anything goes! Scared, alone, twist in my stomach, hard to breathe, numb. Whatever it is, write it down. See how you feel when the minute is up. Any better? Want to keep writing? If so, keep going. If not, move on with a greater sense of connection to yourself and awareness of your emotions and experience.  

3. Do a Lava Volcano Quick Write.

This is where you set a timer for 5 minutes and just write down EVERYTHING that comes to your mind. And when I say everything, I mean everything! Every thought, even if it’s “this is a stupid exercise.” Letting whatever is swirling around in your head flow out through your pen onto the page (or note on your phone, etc.) is one of the easiest, and most powerful ways to set that energy free. Try it and see how you feel!

4. Connect with your breath.

This is one of the easiest ways to begin feeling more connected — and also one of the most challenging to remember or make time for…or, let’s be honest, find the motivation to actually DO. But it’s effects are far reaching and healing in ways our minds can only imagine. 

To do this, simply stop wherever you are. 

Notice your breath in, and feel what the air and oxygen feels like as it fills your body. Does your belly expand, your chest rise? Do you feel it in your neck, head, shoulders, feet? 

Then exhale slowly and notice the physical sensations in your body there as well — does your chest collapse and relax forward, do you feel an openness in your belly, sleepiness in your eyes? 

Whatever it is, just notice. And then at the end of your exhale pause, and wait for your body to naturally inhale. Follow this sequence for as long as feels good and notice how little effort it actually takes — that you’re not the one who has to MAKE breathing happen, that in fact, you’re the one being breathed.

5. Write a note to a friend.

Whether it’s a text message, an email, or a handwritten letter, reaching out to those we care about can have huge mental health benefits. But what do you do when you don’t FEEL connected? Reach out anyway. Send a kind word, a thought about how your day is going or ask for some support. If there’s something you need — ask. This is SO hard, I know from personal experience and it’s harder for some of us than others. But even if you simply write to wish THEM a wonderful day or to say “I’m thinking of you,” there’s some part of you that will receive that kindness too.

6. Write a love letter to yourself.

Take some time, set aside maybe 10-15 minutes and write out some of the things that are troubling you. Then, look through your list and imagine your dearest friend was experiencing these things. What would you say? What words of comfort or compassion would you offer? Now write “Dear, (and your name),” at the top of a fresh page, and begin pouring out all those loving and kind words of support to yourself. Allow yourself to gush as much as feels comfortable — and know that it might not feel comfortable at first, but that’s okay. The more you practice this, the easier it will get. And before you know it, you’ll be connecting with yourself in an easy and compassion-filled way each and every day.

7. Listen to a song with a melody or lyrics you love.

Let the music wash over you. Get up and dance if you feel inspired, or sit and wrap yourself in a blanket and allow yourself to cry if they lyrics move you. Allow yourself to feel connected to the rhythm, the harmony, the connection of another person’s words and music, knowing that anything that artist could write or compose or sing about, is something they’ve experienced too. So if it moves you, know that there is a connection there. A life and a spirit of compassion and love. An empathy of sorts — being sent out through time and space in the sound waves of this favorite song.

8. Do a short loving-kindness meditation.

Find a calm and quiet place where you can relax. And sit down, or lie down and close your eyes. Call to mind the image of a pet or family member or friend who naturally makes you smile. Hold them in your mind’s eye and send them all the love and support that naturally arises. Do this for at least 3 breaths. 

Then see yourself standing there next to them, and continue offering the same loving support, and any kind phrases or wishes that come to mind. “May you be blessed with peace / ease / gentleness / kindness / love / forgiveness / healing.”

Now, imagine that this friend or other person or animal needs to go somewhere else for a bit (they can always come back if you need them!), and see yourself standing there in the golden glow of this love, and all of the wishes and kindness you have offered. 

Now spend 5-10 breaths sending even more love and support directly to yourself — this vision of yourself you’re holding in your mental movie screen. Offer her all the love and beautiful wishes you can and see how you feel. 

Repeat as often as necessary, and as mentioned, you can always bring that loving family member or friend back if that helps make it easier to send the compassion and love. You’ve got this. And you’re infinitely loved. Allow yourself to step into that circle and receive some love yourself. You so deserve it.

9. Pet, snuggle, or play with a pet.

This can either be your own pet, or someone else’s. (And if you don’t have access to a pet, try watching a bird or squirrel out the window, or pulling up a cute animal video online.) 

Connect with your pet — talk to them, pet them, invite them to sit on your lap if appropriate, stroke their fur, play a game with their favorite toy — anything that helps you connect. What do they like to do? Offering one of their favorite things and watching them enjoy it can help you feel more loved and connected in turn. And can even help spring forth some new feelings of joy and relaxation. Enjoy! 

P.S. If you’re really struggling this might even look like sitting in a favorite chair with your pet on your lap or by your side, not engaging but just sitting together, looking out the window or staring at the wall. Do whatever feels best to you and fits your situation. You are so loved!

10. Sing a song.

I know this may sound silly, but there’s nothing like the power of singing a song to help you connect to the voice and the power within yourself. It’s like you connect to yourself through your song. Any song that comes to mind is perfect, or maybe a lullaby your mom sang to you as a child. Maybe you have a favorite song that always brings tears to your eyes or helps you feel relaxed and at home. Even if you don’t have a song in mind, just humming whatever random sounds or tones come to mind can help put your mind at ease and connect you with yourself as you notice the vibration and humming sensation in your body. Give it a try!

I hope this helps the next time you find yourself feeling low, or alone and like no one understands. There are so many other ways that you can connect with the people around you — but when all else fails, don’t ever doubt the connection you have with yourself, and the power of tapping into that with compassion. 

I’m sending you so much love, and I’d love to know — which one of these ideas was your favorite? Is there one you feel like you could put into practice today or sometime this week?

Hit reply and let me know! I love hearing from you.

And as always, sending lots of love and many blessings your way,

Caitlin

P.S. You’re Invited…

I wanted to do something beautiful for us as a community, and so I thought, hey, wouldn’t it be fun if we had a virtual tea party!? 
So…

Join me August 1st at 3pm Pacific for a cup of tea, some journaling, Q&A and conversation. We’ll go wherever the wind blows so be prepared for an adventure!

All you need to do is subscribe here, if you’re not already, to receive weekly newsletters and the link to where we’ll meet at the designated time.

Make sure to bring a cup of tea (or other delicious beverage of choice) in your favorite mug, a cozy blanket, your journal if you have one and something to write with. Looking forward to it!

Hope to see you there!

three hearts, Caitlin 


Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

Be kind when you rewind.

Be kind when you think no one is watching.

Be kind even when people are.

Sometimes it can be even harder to be kind to ourselves when we feel others are watching or judging us. That we’re somehow not worthy of this kindness, and honoring, or respect.

But we are.

YOU are, my child. My darling, sweet friend, and companion.

You are worthy.

That is what I want you to know.

And every word you think and deed or action you take, every desire, every wish that aligns with love and kindness towards yourself, brings infinite treasures…a wellspring flowing from within.

It allows treasures to flow forward into your life in ways you could never expect.

I still remember the day, sitting in my mom’s car in the rain. The Portland Rain.

I had just left a counseling appointment. I’d found a new counselor to have extra support there for me as I was dealing with sudden and chronic mystery illness.

And I loved her. Thank goodness. Not all therapists are kind, and the kind of souls where you feel respected heard and cared for through their actions and words.

But something on her bio on her website read “transcending suffering.” And I KNEW, this was what I wanted to do. After everything I’d been through with my dad, watching him die a most horrific (in so many ways) death, this was my opportunity to use my illness to help my soul shine through in ways it never had before.

Reflecting, there in the car — sitting at a stop sign, with my mom, in the rain, I said…

“If I can learn how to be nice to myself through this experience, I think that will serve me well for the rest of my life.”

Don’t you just love the prophetic things you say, before you even realize how prophetic they truly are?

The things we say, half-joking or not in full sincerity — but that actually have a grain, if not a mountain underneath, of truth beneath them?

This has happened to me many times.

But I have to say, that one of my favorite things is seeing the growth of where life leads along the way. It hasn’t always been pretty. But it has always been kind. On the highest level, deep within — somewhere deep within my heart-center there is a love that is always calling to me.

And there is for you too.

Have you ever heard the love song from your heart?

Have you heard it sing to you — a loving lullaby or a dancing, happy tune?

What is your heart singing right now?

Mine is singing a song of peace, complete with a smile on my face as I type these words to you.

Because I want you to know that you are worthy of kindness. You are worthy of honoring and respect. And the more you can practice this kindness towards yourself the deeper your roots will grow.

And deeper roots mean stronger branches. And stronger branches mean fairer blossoms.

Imagine now the most beautiful rose or flower blossom you can imagine.

Now imagine what would happen if that blossom didn’t get the air, or sunlight, or water it needs to survive. It would wither and die, right?

The same is true of us.

Kindness is like the oxygen in the air that helps our lungs to breathe — to breathe in life, and the richness and goodness of all that life has for us.

The good, the bad, the not so great — whatever it is life is presenting you with right now, it is your choice whether or not you take that deep inhale. Whether or not you let that life-giving oxygen in to nourish your cells.

If you’re going to go through whatever you’re going through anyway…why not take some deep breaths of oxygen rich kindness to breathe some life, and health and nourishing love into all of your cells while you go through it.

It’s not to say that hard things will never happen.

It’s that breathing in that oxygen — treating yourself with that kindness is what makes life worth living. It helps make it bearable. Easier.

It’s what makes it beautiful. Knowing that you always have a choice.

You can make things worse, by starving yourself of the kindness and appreciation and love that your body and soul craves…

Or you can let the fresh oxygen of grace in through love and feel every part of yourself filled up with a kindness beyond your wildest dreams.

You may not always be able to control everything. In fact, I know that you can’t.

But you CAN control the kindness. You can make the choice to be kind. To yourself, to others. And chances are, if you’re reading this right now, you’re a sensitive soul like me, which means —

Being kind to others comes naturally to you. Knowing what others are going through. Feeling their pain, celebrating their triumphs, feeling deeply whatever it is — so deeply that often, you might even confuse it for your own.

Whether you’re feeling something that belongs to you, or something that’s not yours to carry, kindness is what helps you to set it free.

It sets your own soul free to let go of the burdens it holds. From the traumas, the past regrets. The illness, the isolation…whatever the case may be.

And it also is what frees the temptation to hang on to something that isn’t yours.

It’s the quiet voice that says, “oh, my darling, that isn’t your bag of rocks to carry. Let’s help you set that down and go find a quiet place to frolic in the meadow or dance along the sand by the ocean’s song.”

This is the voice of kindness.

The voice that sets you free.

The voice that says she’s proud of you, when all seems completely lost, and fallen apart and you feel utterly forgotten.

She’s the one there. To comfort you. To bring you loving words in a caress of Angel Song.

And she’s there within you.

Kindness is her name.

What can you do to let her into your life today?

Who would you need to be to sing along in harmony?

How are you worthy, right where you are, today?

This is what she’ll tell you. Because she’ll always believe that you’re enough.

She’ll sit with you, and sing with you — and hear every care and worry.

And then at the end she’ll tell you how worthy you are, how much you matter — that you’re loved and adored. And she’ll wrap you in a hug and make you some tea. And you can sit there together and smile.

Smile through the tears.

Smile with the sunshine.

Smile with the happy times, and the peaceful memories from the past.

Smile with dreams of the future. And with all that makes your heart content.

You’ll smile together. And know that you’re free.

You’ll know by the feeling you get when you’re with her. And you’ll know that you’ve found your way home. Home to the light of your being. The place where God is close. The place where you’re connected to Divine Light and Divine Grace, and the knowing that you never have to do it alone.

It all begins with Kindness.

Where can you start, today?

I’d love to hear your insights and reflections in the comments below — it’s one of my favorite things!

Much love, now and always,

Caitlin

Be kind to yourself.

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Self-Compassion

The power of writing a letter to yourself.

I sit down and open to a blank page in my journal. Tears stream down my face and I begin to write.

I write everything I can think of, allowing each thought to pass through and make room for the next as I write them down on the page.

At a certain point, the language begins to shift — and I realize it has become a loving letter to myself.

What kind words do you practice saying to yourself? When you’re sad, frustrated, or feeling all alone?

I still remember the blank page with the lovely text Compassionate Whispers written in my own handwriting at the top.

I was part of an art journaling course and during that particular week, we were to try on different compassionate phrases, kind things we could say to ourselves when we were feeling down or inferior in some way. Words that would help build a remembrance of shared humanity, that all human beings face and feel these emotions and so within that, we are not alone.

But I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

Paralyzed. I left the page blank and just moved on with the rest of the course.

Then, a few years ago, I was thumbing through the journal, and found that blank page. I smiled with compassion for the person I’d been that day — as part of that experience.

And I wrote myself a love note. A letter of compassion. Wrote in all kinds of kind things I could think of to say.

I smiled at how far I’d come, and for the words of others that had helped to guide me along the way.

You see, that week I’d created a different page — one where I’d written different kind things (my favorite things) that friends had family members had written to me in birthday cards, etc. over the years.

And their kind words helped to see me through. They helped give be a life raft, a buoy to hang onto until I could find the kind words that were ready to flow through me towards myself.

The words of others can be a bridge.

Sometimes we we want to be kind to ourselves, but we don’t know the words to say.

When this happens, it helps to have someone else who has walked the road give us an example.

And we can tune in and ask our own hearts — “What do you need to hear from me today?”

And then there are the words from others, the compliments from family members and friends. The people who, at the time, might have a higher opinion of us than we do of ourselves.

And the beautiful thing is, as we practice these things — we develop the muscles for real. So that we can stand in front of ourselves and honor ourselves with the tender love and care that we desire — and so deserve.

And just like any practice, the strength, the ability, expands. So that one day, in the near or distant future, you find yourself saying words you never thought you’d say.

Kind things. To yourself. Without even thinking about it.

I know that is what happened to me.

And it goes it layers. There is no getting it right. No distant land of perfection to reach…

There is only this moment, and the kindness you decide to show yourself for whatever challenges you face…

No matter how you feel, no matter what you think.

You are worthy of the kindness you share.

So often, as sensitive souls, we think about the well-being of others, putting our own needs last. Letting our own desires fall to the wayside under the pressure of what we think others expect from us. And sometimes those expectations are accurate. And sometimes they’re not.

But either way, we always have the chance to make the choice to stand by our own side, and hold our truth with care. To hold our hearts in the palms of our hands and send that love out into the world.

For the love you feel in your heart matters. And tending the flame of your own desires, passion, purpose, and soul is your most important work here in the world.

So what would you say to yourself in a love letter today?​

Whether you play with writing yourself a letter, ponder with a friend, create an art project, hit reply and share your answer with me — whatever you choose, my hope is that you are abundantly blessed with the kindness that resides within your very own heart.

Much love always,
Caitlin

 

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Self-Compassion

The sweet little voice inside, and the whispers of your heart.

Layout 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about the voice inside this week.

And how no one can decide for us.
It’s up to us to listen to the voice within and follow where it leads.

Only you know the language of your heart, and where it’s asking you to go.

Only you know the love it needs you to give, and the strength that wraps you in love.

Only you know your higher Divine Destiny. No one can know it or decide if for you.

It is your path alone.

Others can support and encourage and cheer you on along the way —

But it’s up to you to listen for…
that quiet voice inside.

I just love this poem.

I used to have it hanging on a bulletin board in my apartment several years ago…and it’s amazing the way life gives us opportunities…

circling back to the things we thought we already knew.

Greater depth.
Greater meaning.
Greater love and understanding, and deeper love
of self.

May you be blessed today with infinite grace.
And may that sweet little voice inside whisper to you…

And may you hear her whispers, as she says
how proud she is of you.

I know I am.

Much love to you always,
Caitlin ❤

 

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And to follow along with daily love notes & journal prompts, and other inspired goodness~ you can Like the Caitlin Sanders Facebook Page Here.

Self-Compassion

Letting go of perfection for clarity, insight, and freedom instead.

As I play with putting together the pieces of my writing program in a new platform called Teachable…

I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionism. It is bringing me face to face, once again, over-and over-with this desire to have things be perfect — just right.

And there really is no such thing.

We know this. But yet, the struggle continues.

Does this happen to you sometimes too?

If so, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And even, a way to make an opening in the side of that tunnel so some light can start streaming through right now.

I was reminded of a day when I was so determined to make a bird feeder for some of the cute little bird feeders outside, that I’d finally had enough, and decided to simply find a way to use what I had in order to create SOMETHING.

And as you’ll see, the birds decided it was perfectly enough. MORE than enough.

——

From my journal on April 9, 2018…

Life feels like such a miracle.

There is a new bird in the backyard today. A kind I’ve never seen before. Gray with an orange stripe across her face and some black around her neck and on her wing.

I love her.

I love that she showed up here to feast–to nibble on the little bits of feed.

And to think…it’s just quinoa.

I didn’t even have real bird seed.

But I felt the need to put something out, to help to feed the birds. And here she is. What a miracle.

A reminder that we don’t have to get it perfect, we just have to try, and put something out.

To offer whatever we can of ourselves…and then watch and see how that’s enough.

Smiling now, smiling still. Smiling all morning; seeing my bird, a beautiful thrill.

——

I learned that sometimes, it’s just about putting something out there. That sharing what you have in your heart can be of far greater service than keeping it locked up inside waiting for things to be perfect.

Sometimes “good enough” is exactly what you need.

It can bring joy and freedom, and lead you to places you never thought you’d go. It can show you, that actually, you’ve always been enough.

That you’ve been enough all along.

And letting go of perfection is part of what this writing course is about.

It was born out of a space where I finally let myself open up and share.

The writing experiences opened a crack in my sense of a need and desire for perfection…just enough so that the whispers of my heart could come through.

It’s about finding something bigger than our need for perfection, more meaningful than our anxieties or fears.

And often times, that something can be a really small opening–something so small that it may not seem good enough, or big enough or important enough.

But it is.

And that’s what I’d love to do for you if  there’s a story you want to share. Or if you just want to clear away whatever feels stuck and hear what your heart has to say.

As I play with letting go of perfection at this new level and in this new way…

I’m reminded of  what my dad used to say…

“Perfect is the enemy of good.”

And I used to think of “good” as somehow still not good enough, or less than, in some way…how ironic is that?

But now I realize that good is goodness. And goodness is being filled with love.

And filling my creations, my heart and my life with love has become part of my new motto and also my new intention while putting together this beautiful program to share with you and with the world.

So what about you? Do you struggle underneath the weight of perfectionism sometimes too?

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown says that…

“Perfectionism is a 20 ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact it’s the very thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”

What shield are you wanting to let go of today?
I hope you let down whatever mask you wear or shield you carry that’s weighing you down, even just a little bit, so the world can see your beautiful face.
You deserve to shine, and your stories are a perfect place to start.
Or maybe I should say, a good place to start.
They were for me.
Much love, always,
Caitlin
Thanks so much for reading, and I’d love to know…
If I were to create a free 5 or 7 day journaling challenge, and you decided to participate, what would you hope to get out of it? Let me know in the comments below!

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And to follow along with daily love notes & journal prompts, and other inspired goodness~ you can Like the Caitlin Sanders Facebook Page Here.

Self-Compassion

Breathe. Relax. Allow.

This made me smile as I discovered it in my old writing folder…

I hope you enjoy:

Sitting on the exam table, I listened carefully as the physical therapist gave me instructions for the next exercise.   This one, a stretch.  I was to let my head to fall forward as far as it would go, take a deep breath in, and on the exhale allow the weight of my head to give a gentle pull, letting in hang there for a moment before lifting it back up to neutral.

By about the third time, I started to notice that my neck was allowing my chin to go further and further with each exhale.  Breathing into it, relaxing deeper, and allowing my neck to let go so gravity could help out.

I marveled at the power of the breath, of relaxing, of allowing whatever wanted to happen.

 

Not pushing.

Not forcing.

Not trying to MAKE it happen.

 

Breathing.

Relaxing.

Allowing.

 

Wow.

 

Pretty profound for physical therapy, huh?

I’m now doing my best to apply this in all aspects of my healing journey.  And here’s the mantra.

Breathe.  Relax.  Allow.

Namaste.

 

{November 13, 2014}